{"id":121,"date":"2025-09-30T12:01:06","date_gmt":"2025-09-30T16:01:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=121"},"modified":"2026-01-06T08:28:29","modified_gmt":"2026-01-06T13:28:29","slug":"stop-texting-your-husband-novels-a-love-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=121","title":{"rendered":"Stop Texting Your Husband Novels (A Love Story)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Nick and I have been navigating this life together for nearly a decade now. We\u2019ve had some really hard talks, some that almost ended us, and some that reminded us\u2014hopefully\u2014that every single day we choose<\/em> each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yes, I can be stubborn. I get caught in how I think things should<\/em> be, instead of leaving room for how they could<\/em> be. Case in point: our latest heated argument, which of course happened the night before our 5-year wedding anniversary. Nothing says \u201cromance\u201d like emotionally sparring before date night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even though we go to couple\u2019s counseling, we don\u2019t always use the tools our therapist gives us. I\u2019m an outward processor, which means I need to unload everything in my head\u2014lists, priorities, feelings\u2014out loud. Unfortunately, my go-to outlet is texting, which usually looks like me sending essay-length paragraphs of feelings and emojis. I start with the intention of being communicative, but more often than not, it lands as \u201cflood warning: emotional tsunami incoming.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One big thing we\u2019ve learned (and keep relearning) is that most people\u2014even therapists\u2014use \u201cI statements\u201d wrong. If you say, \u201cI feel ___ when you do ___,\u201d you\u2019ve basically wrapped blame in polite paper and tossed it at your partner. It sets off the defensive alarms. The more effective way is to focus on the internal experience: \u201cI feel hurt and disconnected when I don\u2019t get a response.\u201d That invites curiosity instead of combat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During this last argument, Nick told me he felt I was always assuming the worst of him. And he was right\u2014I realized I was. But I felt the same about him, too. We weren\u2019t actually on opposite sides; we were just yelling our needs in different languages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For me, safety in communication comes from processing things out loud. For Nick, safety comes from being face to face so he can read my tone and context. When I send a flood of texts, he reads them as alarms going off, when in reality, I just needed to vent the chaos in my brain. Cue: defensiveness, panic, repeat cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I realized is that it isn\u2019t just about what we need\u2014it\u2019s about how<\/em> we deliver it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Screenshot<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

And honestly, this marriage? It\u2019s been played on expert mode since day one. Between perimenopause, parenting again when we were almost to the \u201cfinish line\u201d (yes, we chose that chaos), monkey wrenches, grief, and life throwing curveballs like it\u2019s training for the World Series\u2014we didn\u2019t pick the easy route. Our therapist once told us we basically selected \u201cexpert difficulty\u201d in the video game of life. And some days? I\u2019d really like to switch to \u201cstory mode\u201d and just enjoy the cutscenes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And as if expert mode wasn\u2019t enough, there\u2019s also the outside noise we both carry\u2014the kind of stuff that requires a whole lot of compartmentalizing just to keep moving forward. Those layers can add pressure, sure, but we\u2019re learning that marriage isn\u2019t just about handling the hard stuff; it\u2019s about choosing not to let the hard stuff define us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s like that viral video, \u201cIt\u2019s Not About the Nail.\u201d<\/em> Because honestly? Most of the time it isn\u2019t about the nail at all\u2014it\u2019s about being heard, feeling seen, and not losing each other in the chaos. https:\/\/youtu.be\/-4EDhdAHrOg<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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