{"id":203,"date":"2025-11-04T12:01:34","date_gmt":"2025-11-04T12:01:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=203"},"modified":"2025-11-04T17:14:38","modified_gmt":"2025-11-04T17:14:38","slug":"everybody-scream-and-other-ways-im-trying-not-to","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=203","title":{"rendered":"Everybody Scream (and Other Ways I\u2019m Trying Not To)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Last week I was sitting there trying to fill out new patient paperwork for a dentist appointment while listening to Clark growl at Finn\u2014who, for the record, has no<\/em> concept of personal space. I was also, inexplicably, mad. Not at anyone or anything in particular\u2014just ragey<\/em>. Existing, ambient rage. Like, \u201cI need to be outside and inside at the same time\u201d kind of rage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evelyn peels off her band-aid and is weeping because she can\u2019t get it back on. (\u201cI can\u2019t do it right now!\u201d she wails. Honestly, same.) I want to make beard balms again, but I also have a solid brick of beeswax sitting on my table that requires more upper body strength than I currently possess. Finding ten uninterrupted minutes with a three-year-old? That\u2019s the kind of fantasy that should come with a subscription fee and isn’t possible without having the body and support of Nick present.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every night I tell myself, tomorrow I won\u2019t yell as much.<\/em> And every day feels like a rerun: good intentions, zero patience, emotional whiplash. It\u2019s the Groundhog Day of overstimulation. I know the pattern. I can name it. I just\u2026 don\u2019t always know where to start fixing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes I picture Evelyn and me driving somewhere early in the morning, just to sit outside and nap in the car when she\u2019s tired. Less time in the house means less mess. Less mess means fewer reminders that I live here. Win-win. Then the guilt of not being “household” productive creeps in. There are animals to be tended to. All the things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The anxiety hums quietly in the background until I find a spark of dopamine to chase. Blog days are usually that spark \u2014 I love hitting publish, crafting the teaser, syncing it with the perfect Florence + The Machine song. It\u2019s like a creative hit of espresso followed by\u2026 mild existential dread. Because then comes the wait: will anyone actually read<\/em> it? Comment? Connect? Metrics would probably help, but that would also require executive function, which has left the chat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lately, I\u2019ve felt witchy \u2014 like I could manifest productivity just by lighting a candle and staring at a pile of laundry. I can picture my kitchen table covered in beard balm ingredients, me channeling my inner apothecary queen. But then I look around and think, where would I fold the towels?<\/em> Instant brain static.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been a little Sally Owens (kitten) myself lately \u2014 all hiss at first, then purr when loved. I want space, but also touch\u2026 but only from the right person. Poor Nick. The other morning, I was trying to be calm on the couch before Evelyn woke up. He was being affectionate, Finn was smashing a ball into my leg because \u201cball is life,\u201d and Clark\u2014newly shaved and apparently freezing\u2014wedged himself beside me. I was drowning in physical contact but only wanted Nick\u2019s hand on me, which quickly was removed when I growled, “I’m overstimulated.” He\u2019s the only one whose touch doesn\u2019t take from me, it gives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later that day, Evelyn is calm, watching Miss Rachel. The calm before the storm. I\u2019m mentally running through the list of all the things I didn\u2019t do that day: laundry, dishes (wait, no, I did<\/em> do the dishes), quality time with the kid, dog enrichment, cat cuddles. I did help Breanna go over finances, posted my blog, and managed not to burn dinner. It\u2019s a strange tally of \u201cenough.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s been three and a half years of being home and not making my own money. I thought about getting a remote assistant job, but realized I\u2019m not built to be someone\u2019s \u201cyes woman\u201d anymore, other than Evelyn’s of course! I have great ideas. I love promoting people, things, and art that inspire me. I just need to learn how to market myself<\/em> with that same energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If anyone\u2019s cracked that code, seriously\u2014call me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want my blog to sound like \u201ca diary of an overstimulated mom.\u201d I want it to sound like a conversation we\u2019re all<\/em> already having quietly with ourselves. The things we feel but don\u2019t say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like how Florence + The Machine\u2019s new album wrecked me\u2014in the best way. Some critics called it \u201ctragic\u201d or \u201ctraumatic.\u201d I call it therapy with a backbeat.<\/em> It\u2019s grief, growth, and magic spun into sound. Florence feels like the voice of every woman holding it together with a hair tie and a playlist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

I do not find worthiness in virtue<\/em>
I no longer try to be good<\/em>
It didn’t keep me safe<\/em>
Like you told me that it would<\/em>
So come on, tear me wide open<\/em>
A terrible gift<\/em>
Let the chorus console me<\/em>
Sympathy magic<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

That lyric from Sympathy Magic<\/em> hit me like a mirror. It\u2019s the quiet rebellion of letting go of perfection \u2014 realizing that \u201cbeing good\u201d doesn\u2019t protect you from chaos. It\u2019s permission to stop trying to earn rest, love, or calm. Just\u2026 to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And speaking of emotion regulation: Evelyn\u2019s in her \u201cdon\u2019t touch me, don\u2019t talk to me, why aren\u2019t you touching me?!\u201d era. I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) recently, so we\u2019re basically on parallel emotional journeys\u2014mine with estrogen patches, hers with crayons. We both crave reassurance and space, sometimes in the same breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday I had one of those \u201cI have zero emotional fortitude for this\u201d days when, after 30 minutes of trying, my window for working out at the Y closed because Evelyn was refusing to stay at Child Watch. We were both hangry. We ended up sharing walking tacos and cupcakes, and then napped separately but in solidarity. Healing comes in weird forms, including finishing up the most recent season of The Witcher on Netflix.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, for the record: Henry Cavill > Liam Hemsworth. I said what I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now that Halloween\u2019s over, the entire atmosphere has shifted. It\u2019s officially \u201choliday season,\u201d where you suddenly crave a peppermint mocha and the illusion that Christmas decor still holds some kind of spiritual weight. Yesterday I was wandering the aisles of Target with Evelyn when \u201cWe Need a Little Christmas\u201d<\/em> started playing in my head after she had thrown her hands up and shouted, \u201cI want to see MORE Christmas!\u201d for the um-teenth time. And honestly? Same, kid. Give me twinkle lights, cinnamon candles, and that first hit of fake snow in a display that makes no logical sense. I caught myself smiling, humming along, and thinking\u2014yep, we\u2019ve officially crossed over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And despite everything\u2014the noise, the mess, the emotions\u2014I can feel my sense of humor coming back online. This morning, I woke up at 5 a.m. choking on my own phlegm (new skill unlocked at 44). Nick thought I was initiating a playful morning moment, until I coughed directly into that little spot on his shoulder where you\u2019d normally nuzzle. You know, the one you\u2019d kiss tenderly or breathe into? Yeah, I coughed into that cavern. It reverberated up his neck and through his shoulder like a low-frequency raspberry. He giggled\u2014actually giggled\u2014and leaned into it, because of course he did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat is love,\u201d I told myself, as we both laughed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are growing. I am growing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Right now, I\u2019m craving a day with him where we do absolutely nothing. Just eat, nap, and exist in quiet companionship. In the meantime, I\u2019m trying to lead by example with Evelyn. We\u2019re practicing kindness in words and tone (she\u2019s on timeout number three as I type this).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want this post to meet readers where they are. I see you. You\u2019re probably in the same swirl of chaos, calm, and caffeine. We\u2019re all in the same bubble \u2014 sometimes inside it, sometimes just stepping out to catch our breath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Florence\u2019s Everybody Scream<\/em> is my soundtrack right now, and maybe yours too. If you haven’t listened to it, please do! Life\u2019s messy, loud, beautiful, ridiculous\u2026 and temporary. Big feelings come and go. Gratitude helps. So does laughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And maybe that\u2019s it \u2014 maybe this season of life is about finding the soundtrack that keeps us steady. The songs that hum underneath the chaos. The ones that remind us who we are when the noise gets too loud. Because sometimes, the only thing that saves us from screaming\u2026 is the music that says, I see you too.<\/em> What’s your<\/em> soundtrack?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now if you\u2019ll excuse me, I have to go reattach a band-aid to a three-year-old and break down a brick of beeswax like a Viking.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last week I was sitting there trying to fill out new patient paperwork for a dentist appointment while listening to Clark growl at Finn\u2014who, for the record, has no concept of personal space. I was also, inexplicably, mad. Not at anyone or anything in particular\u2014just ragey. Existing, ambient rage. Like, \u201cI need to be outside […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-203","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-lately"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/203","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=203"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/203\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":211,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/203\/revisions\/211"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=203"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=203"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=203"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}