{"id":224,"date":"2025-12-02T12:01:08","date_gmt":"2025-12-02T12:01:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=224"},"modified":"2025-12-02T17:43:43","modified_gmt":"2025-12-02T17:43:43","slug":"hes-just-not-that-into-you-even-when-hes-your-dad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=224","title":{"rendered":"He’s Just Not That Into You\u2026 Even When He’s Your Dad"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Before I even started writing this, I second-guessed myself about a hundred times. I didn\u2019t want this to come off like I was calling anyone out or dumping emotion onto the internet without thinking it through. I even had my best friend read it, and she told me to leave it as is. And the truth is, she\u2019s right \u2014 the people who are involved in my life will read this, and the people who aren\u2019t\u2026 well, they don\u2019t read my blog anyway. But I also want to say this clearly: I miss my dad. A lot. I wish I understood what he\u2019s thinking, or if he\u2019s even thinking about this at all. Maybe there\u2019s more going on in his heart than I know. Or maybe the harder truth is that it isn\u2019t on his mind at all. I just wish he was involved in my life in some capacity \u2014 any<\/em> capacity. I get the idea of \u201cmeeting people where they\u2019re at,\u201d but what do you do when where they\u2019re at is nowhere near you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I went back and forth about sharing this. The details, the honesty, the vulnerability \u2014 not because it wasn\u2019t true, but because I never want anything I write to feel like an emotional dump or an attack. The people in these stories have their own truths, their own wounds, their own reasons I may never know. I questioned whether I should soften it, blur the edges, or keep it vague. But the reality is that this is my experience<\/em>, and part of my healing is being honest about it. Not dramatic. Not cruel. Just honest. And if I\u2019ve learned anything, it\u2019s that silence doesn\u2019t make grief smaller \u2014 it just makes you carry it alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanksgiving just happened, and (shocking no one) it delivered its usual emotional buffet: a little sweet, a little bitter, a little nostalgic, and a generous sprinkle of \u201coh fantastic, guess we\u2019re doing this emotional excavation again.\u201d I think that\u2019s adulthood. Holidays stop being sparkly Hallmark moments and start being yearly checkpoints where you take inventory of who\u2019s here, who\u2019s missing, who\u2019s changed, and what you still wish felt just a little bit different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today I\u2019m sitting with a truth I\u2019ve been avoiding for years: grief isn\u2019t only reserved for the dead. Sometimes you grieve the living. You grieve the version of someone you remember, the relationship you hoped would evolve, the closeness you still catch yourself reaching for even though it hasn\u2019t been there in a long time. I love my dad with my whole heart. So much of who I am is because he chose my mother and, with her, chose to raise children that weren\u2019t biologically his. He didn\u2019t have to, but he did, and I am grateful. And while I\u2019m sure I added my share of chaos along the way (hello, childhood trauma starter pack), I\u2019ve apologized for it. I\u2019ve acknowledged it. And yet, here I am, realizing I\u2019ve been grieving someone who\u2019s still alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everything shifted back in 2016. My biological father died in March. I met Nick in September. And that November ended up being the last calm holiday I ever had with my mom, my dad, my older sister, myself, and my girls. I didn\u2019t know it was the end of an era, but in hindsight, the signs were there. After that, the dynamic changed. Dad worked through holidays. My older sister didn\u2019t want to come home. I was trying to hold together a blended family while grieving the version of family I grew up with and the version I hoped to keep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life did bring something unexpected, though. I reconnected with my little sister, my biological father\u2019s daughter, the one I hadn\u2019t truly known since 1988. Our father\u2019s passing brought us together as adults, and she has become this steady, surprising part of my present. And then there\u2019s my older sister, the one who lived every messy chapter of childhood right beside me. She and I check in regularly, even if we don\u2019t talk about our dad much anymore. Not because we\u2019re avoiding it, but because she\u2019s already found her peace and keeps reminding me that parents are only with us for part of our life\u2014siblings are who we spend the majority of our years with. She\u2019s right. My heart just hasn\u2019t fully caught up yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All of this has been swirling around, especially as Nick and I have talked about how strange it is that we both have siblings from these separate, unlived lives. People connected to us in profound ways who will likely never meet each other. It\u2019s like parallel universes of family that we belong to but never experienced. Strange. Sad. Comforting. Human.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve done the work to try and bridge the gap with my dad. I\u2019ve talked with elders who have actual wisdom and life experience. I\u2019ve been open to suggestions, except showing up unannounced because we all know how that would go. I can practically hear the sigh and see the look, and honestly, I don\u2019t have the emotional stamina for that kind of live-action disappointment. I\u2019ve apologized. I\u2019ve asked what I did wrong. I\u2019ve created space for honesty, even painful honesty. I\u2019ve reached out even when people told me I didn\u2019t need to keep trying. And yet, the silence continues. It\u2019s taken me a long time to understand that I can\u2019t make someone choose me, I can\u2019t force connection into existence, and I can\u2019t keep grieving someone who is still alive but emotionally unreachable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This morning, something clicked. This grief didn\u2019t start recently. It began years ago, when my mom lost her clarity and I had to learn how to love a version of her who didn\u2019t feel like her. When she finally came back, she was gone, and something in my dad went quiet with her. He has never held Evelyn, who is three. She will never know the Papa I knew or the tidal wave of love my mother would\u2019ve drowned her in. That truth hit harder today than it ever has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I keep circling back to something I heard once: \u201cGrandparents who are active in the lives of their grandchildren never wanted to stop being parents. Grandparents who aren\u2019t\u2026 never wanted to be parents in the first place.\u201d It\u2019s harsh, and it isn\u2019t universally true, but today it stung because it felt uncomfortably close to my reality. Maybe raising me was part of loving my mother. Maybe when she died, that tie dissolved. Maybe I\u2019m a reminder of things he\u2019d rather leave buried. Or maybe, and this is the one that hurts the most, maybe he prefers his life without us in it. Silence is still an answer, and today I finally let myself hear it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But even with that ache, here\u2019s the part I\u2019m choosing to hold onto: I am not alone. I have a husband who loves me through every version of myself, even the holiday-spiral edition. I have children who give me a sense of belonging. I have friends who have become family. I have a little sister who came back into my life at exactly the right time. And I have an older sister who grounds me and reminds me that family can look different but still be real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So today, I\u2019m choosing to set down the grief that isn\u2019t mine to keep carrying. This isn\u2019t about airing out family issues; it\u2019s about acknowledging the grief of being unwanted by someone who is still alive. It\u2019s the grief of trying and trying and realizing that effort isn\u2019t the glue that keeps relationships together. And honestly? It all reminds me of that movie He\u2019s Just Not That Into You. Because sometimes the truth is painfully simple: people aren\u2019t indifferent because they secretly adore you. Sometimes\u2026 they\u2019re just not that into you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve ever had a relationship like this \u2014 one you grieved long before it was gone \u2014 I\u2019d love to hear how you handled it. What helped you move forward? What gave you clarity? Your experience might help someone else reading this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Before I even started writing this, I second-guessed myself about a hundred times. I didn\u2019t want this to come off like I was calling anyone out or dumping emotion onto the internet without thinking it through. I even had my best friend read it, and she told me to leave it as is. And the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-224","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-lately"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/224","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=224"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/224\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":228,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/224\/revisions\/228"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=224"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=224"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=224"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}