{"id":297,"date":"2025-12-30T12:01:05","date_gmt":"2025-12-30T12:01:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=297"},"modified":"2026-01-06T13:13:00","modified_gmt":"2026-01-06T13:13:00","slug":"perimenopause-is-not-a-personality-flaw-its-the-mental-load","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=297","title":{"rendered":"Perimenopause Is Not a Personality Flaw \u2014 It\u2019s the Mental Load"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

My boobs are on fire with an ache that feels like when I was pregnant. Only this time, I am not. I\u2019m nearly 45 years old, day 22 of my cycle, and we just bumped my estrogen patch up. I fell asleep with a heating pad on my chest, melatonin mixed in with my nightly progesterone, and my \u201cheat regulator\u201d leg hanging out of the comforter last night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Between melatonin, progesterone, and magnesium glycinate, I\u2019m doing my best to support sleep instead of fighting my body. I actually just restarted the magnesium<\/a> \u2014 ordered it on Amazon \u2014 and was talking with Emily about taking it together since she struggles with sleep too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t tell if my feelings are hormonal or legitimate right now, but as Evelyn would put it, \u201cI\u2019m having BIG feelings!!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re in that weird in-between time. Christmas is over, but New Year\u2019s Eve is tomorrow, and I\u2019m not a partier. For me, it\u2019s just another day \u2014 and I\u2019m really not interested in starting January exhausted, especially when I\u2019ll more than likely be awake anyway thanks to a hot flash.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The week of Christmas was full of commotion with Nick\u2019s work, which put me in a constant state of standby. We weren\u2019t sure if he was going to get paid \u2014 which he didn\u2019t \u2014 then it was he is getting paid, but when?<\/em> Eventually, it all worked out. He\u2019s back to work this week, and there\u2019s been no talk of future payroll concerns. So I guess no news is good news.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I finally made it back to the gym yesterday with Emily \u2014 my first time in about two months. Between illness and my mental fortitude being tested by Evelyn\u2019s separation anxiety, I just haven\u2019t had it in me. Right now, I\u2019m coaxing Evelyn to eat her Cheerios and banana, offering a spoonful of whipped cream for every bite of cereal. Don\u2019t worry \u2014 I balance it out with a chocolate FairLife protein drink mixed with milk so at least some<\/em> nutrients are getting in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still on transportation duty for school activities, only now I\u2019m managing everything around Evelyn\u2019s nap time. Four trips to the school yesterday, because God forbid activities ever be scheduled at the same time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evelyn has been extra spicy these last couple of weeks. Nick has been home more, the girls are here all day, and we are completely out of routine. The estrogen bump happened because my middle-of-the-night hot flashes came back, along with the lack of sleep \u2014 which I\u2019m positive contributes to my increasingly disgruntled nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t tell if my lack of sex drive is hormones, exhaustion, annoyance, or all of the above. But it\u2019s been known that someone would \u201clike it more than twice a cycle,\u201d and honestly\u2026 so would I. Instead, it gets mentally filed under things I should do better at, make more time for, or somehow find energy for<\/em> \u2014 which feels unfair and exhausting in itself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evelyn just farted next to me, and I swear it felt like she shit directly on my face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Explaining this mental state \u2014 or overall body feeling \u2014 is nearly impossible for anyone who hasn\u2019t experienced it. Snow is coming (we think\u2026 tonight into tomorrow, possibly). I\u2019m oddly enjoying the lower-ab discomfort when I cough. It reminds me that I did something right at the gym yesterday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m a planner by nature. Proactive, not reactive. Somewhere along the line in childhood, that became a necessity \u2014 a way to maintain safety, predictability, and control when things around me weren\u2019t consistent. Planning isn\u2019t about rigidity for me; it\u2019s about regulation. About knowing where the edges are so I don\u2019t fall apart inside them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which is probably why certain things hit harder than they should.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like being sent a gift in the mail<\/em> from my dad who lives forty minutes away, followed by a message asking if someone in my family happened to be working at the hospital ten minutes away because he didn\u2019t feel like making the trip to bring Evelyn a gift from my grandmother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or the quiet rage that built on Christmas Day when it was almost 1 p.m. and my daughters still hadn\u2019t arrived from their father\u2019s house \u2014 when they were due at noon \u2014 only to find out the delay was because his girlfriend (if that’s what she is now) showed up with her kids and brought gifts for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not about the gifts. It\u2019s about being an afterthought. It\u2019s about having my time, my role, and my emotional labor treated as flexible and optional. I am their mother. I don\u2019t wait for booty calls to arrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I\u2019m realizing is that I am exhausted to my core from processing not just my own feelings, but everyone else\u2019s. The offloading of mental energy. The constant questions. The assumption that I will hold the plan, the timing, the emotional temperature of the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Asking me where things go because thinking feels like too much work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s crushing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I don\u2019t want to carry it anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nick bought two tickets to see Florence and the Machine in April. Chicago, here I come!! My sister and I will have that experience together, and for once, I\u2019m taking her to see someone she\u2019s never seen before. It\u2019s going to be magical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I booked Nick and me a weekend away near Tupper Lake. I\u2019ve been wanting to see the Wild Lights, and I\u2019m in dire need of reconnecting with who I am as a woman \u2014 not a wife, not a mother, not a planner or emotional regulator. Just me. The person I was before life layered itself on top. I want a place where phone usage is scarce, outside time is right there, and wonder can exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m contemplating leaving the Christmas lights up around the windows. There\u2019s something calming about that warm morning glow \u2014 softer than the harshness of everything fully lit. It feels like candlelight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My favorite song this week is \u201cSympathy\u201d<\/em> by Vampire Weekend<\/a>. Something about the sound makes me want to flail around like one of those wacky inflatable tube people you see on the side of the road. That feels like my body asking for release.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was asked a question mid-sentence earlier and had to stop, take a breath, and answer with my first response that wasn\u2019t snarky. That felt like progress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m always thinking, planning, moving forward \u2014 even down to when I might best enjoy a cup of tea. Is it better while writing? Or knitting? But if I\u2019m knitting, I can\u2019t sip very often. And do the English drink their tea quickly? Because it cools fast, and I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s enjoyable either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I want to slow down. I want a gentler pace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not by giving more of myself away \u2014
but by choosing where my energy actually belongs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For now, that looks like soft light, warmer boundaries, and letting some things cool without guilt. And maybe, just maybe, trusting that I don\u2019t have to hold everything for everyone in order to be okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before I close this out, I want to say thank you. Last week\u2019s post unexpectedly reached thousands (9,946 to be exact!!!!!) of you, and I\u2019m still wrapping my head around that. It told me something important \u2014 that these words are landing, that this space is doing what I hoped it would do: make people feel less alone in the middle of it all, including myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve been reading quietly, thank you for being here. If you\u2019re new, I\u2019m really glad you found your way in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If this kind of writing resonates with you \u2014 the honesty, the humor, the messy middle \u2014 you\u2019re welcome to subscribe so you don\u2019t miss future posts. No pressure, no noise. Just a note when something new is here, waiting for you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My boobs are on fire with an ache that feels like when I was pregnant. Only this time, I am not. I\u2019m nearly 45 years old, day 22 of my cycle, and we just bumped my estrogen patch up. I fell asleep with a heating pad on my chest, melatonin mixed in with my nightly […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-297","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-lately"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/297","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=297"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/297\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":305,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/297\/revisions\/305"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=297"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=297"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=297"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}