{"id":491,"date":"2026-06-05T12:01:00","date_gmt":"2026-06-05T16:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=491"},"modified":"2026-06-05T07:06:14","modified_gmt":"2026-06-05T11:06:14","slug":"i-have-a-hard-time-with-acceptance-my-almost-four-year-old-is-apparently-my-teacher","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/?p=491","title":{"rendered":"What 23 Years of Motherhood Finally Taught Me About Living My Own Life"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I have a hard time with acceptance. Logic, routine, and consistency are my love language \u2014 I genuinely believe that if you do the right things in the right order, you get the right outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then I had a toddler later in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is 12:55pm. Lights out since noon. My almost-four-year-old has told me three times today that she is tired, I have kept her routine consistent, read every cue, made every adjustment \u2014 and I have now gone in to resettle her four times. Not a single sign of surrender. Today’s episode of “Will I Nap or Choose Violence This Afternoon?”<\/em> is currently in its fourth act.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you’re a mom in the thick of this right now, you already know: you’re probably not a bad person. I recently connected with another SAHM on IG, @_lindsayharper<\/a>, who said something I felt in my bones \u2014 “I thought I was a good person, but the way I react when my kid asks me the same question for the 47th time would suggest otherwise.”<\/em> Go follow her immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The anxiety still creeps in even when you know better, even when you’ve done everything right. Acceptance, it turns out, is not a one-time decision. It’s a practice you have to come back to \u2014 sometimes four times before 1pm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That’s kind of been the theme of my whole week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Multiple times this week I’ve had a moment of remembering that I haven’t spoken to my dad or my sister since I returned from a trip in April. Does it hurt? Deeply. Do I feel the twinge of grief when that realization lands? Absolutely. But I also find a strange calm in accepting that I was doing everything I could to keep those relationships. I was in the “I am doing all the things \u2014 why isn’t this working?!” place for a long time. And then it clicked. It’s not entirely mine to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The grief I feel when I think about them is similar to the grief I carry for my mom. It exists because I have no place to put that love. I am doing the work I need to do for my own peace. I am accepting what their lives are allowing space for right now \u2014 and that isn’t me as I am now. That doesn’t make it hurt less. It just makes it something I can move through instead of something that stops me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like the nap battle \u2014 I can do all the things, but if Evelyn’s little body isn’t working that way, I have to work with what it is allowing space for. Some things aren’t mine to force. Some things just need time, or distance, or a version of you they’re not ready for yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m on the mend after the sinus infection that tried to take me out, and officially starting fresh with my fitness journey \u2014 again. New movement block, excited to get back to the gym, finally able to blow bubbles outside without getting winded. I’m easing back into limiting the bread, pasta, rice, and potato because I genuinely felt better when I did, but I’m done treating food like punishment. My body needs fuel to do the work. The goal is the happy medium, not the restriction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I’m not<\/em> doing is calorie tracking. My brain said nope, and for once I actually listened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s the harder thing I’ve been sitting with though: I have spent most of my adult life looking in the mirror and finding something wrong before I ever find something right.<\/strong> I’m finally connecting that to where it started \u2014 being told I was fat as a kid. That voice didn’t leave when I grew up. It just got quieter on good days and louder on bad ones. I found myself at 10pm researching whether a red light suction device actually fixes cellulite, and I had to stop and ask \u2014 what am I actually chasing here?<\/em> All of it is temporary. Nick looks at me and loves me. Wants me. I’m working on accepting that instead of arguing with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you catch yourself looking for the flaw first? Because I do it almost every time. And I’m tired of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This past weekend I was mowing the lawn \u2014 my version of a walking meditation, apparently \u2014 and something just settled into place. I have spent the last 23 years as a parent creating a life for my children to show up in. I want to live in that life too.<\/em> All of the planning, the mental load, the worrying \u2014 it’s exhausting me in ways I’ve been ignoring. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still the person who holds things together. But I am becoming much more honest about what actually deserves my energy and what I’ve just been carrying out of habit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What’s on your plate right now that might not actually need to be there?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also chopped my hair into a shorter pixie cut \u2014 summer is here, mornings were taking too long, decision made \u2014 and I made my first batch of moon water. I want to be clear about something: the grounding I’ve felt since doing it has less to do with the water and everything to do with the fact that I did something entirely for myself, followed through on it, and didn’t explain it to a single person. That quiet ownership \u2014 that private, mine<\/em> energy \u2014 is something I haven’t let myself have in a long time. Moon water is used for emotional healing, setting intentions, and creating space for reflection. Whether you’re a full believer or a curious skeptic, I’d just ask: when did you last do something small, just for you, with zero justification owed to anyone?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the record \u2014 is it the moon water, or did the steroids also clear my head a little? Genuinely unclear. I’ll take it either way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

June 1st was 39 degrees and we were outside anyway. Blowing bubbles, drawing with chalk, chasing robins \u2014 then sprinting back screaming because a bumblebee showed up. We are solidly in the “if it flies, it’s terrifying” stage of toddlerhood and I am fully present for all of it. I’m trying to exist in more moments like that instead of just managing them. Less TV. More outside. Less pressure around time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pinterest is picking up too \u2014 impressions increasing, saves climbing. I’m reaching people, and honestly that’s all I could ask for right now. The trend of women actually lifting each other up on IG has been good for my soul. Follow intentionally. Engage genuinely. Lift where you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evelyn will find her sleep rhythm. Maybe tomorrow she goes down without a battle. Maybe she doesn’t. Either way, we work with it. I spent a lot of today resisting that \u2014 wanting logic and routine to just win<\/em> for once. But acceptance isn’t about giving up on the things that work. It’s about not letting the outcome decide the entire day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m still figuring it out. But I think that’s actually the point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P.S. \u2014 Update on the nap situation: we found the time her body actually likes. A 15 minute adjustment and life has been calm for days. I’m knocking on every piece of wood in this house, but it turns out sometimes acceptance looks like a small tweak instead of a full surrender. Who knew?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What’s one thing you’re working on accepting right now? Drop it in the comments \u2014 I read every single one.<\/em> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have a hard time with acceptance. Logic, routine, and consistency are my love language \u2014 I genuinely believe that if you do the right things in the right order, you get the right outcome. And then I had a toddler later in life. It is 12:55pm. Lights out since noon. My almost-four-year-old has told […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-lately"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=491"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/491\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":496,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/491\/revisions\/496"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillmeinhere.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}