I’m writing this on Tuesday. By the time you read it, I’ll already be in Chicago.
That sentence alone is doing something to me right now.
I debated even posting this week. The whole point of this trip is to disconnect and to be present in the moments I’m going to be having while I’m away. But my traffic has been consistent and I don’t want to lose that momentum. So here I am, being proactive, writing ahead, showing up for those of you that keep showing up for me. Week over week it’s growing and I cannot express my gratitude enough.
But let’s back up. Because this week happened first.
This last week has been a lot with Evelyn. Her bodily autonomy has become more prevalent and she has learned that she doesn’t always have to say yes and that no is definitively a full sentence. Good for her. Hard for me. Both things are true.
I know it’s relatable to say that there are days when you go to bed and reflect back on how it went. Your body is exhausted mostly because your brain and emotions are. As a stay at home mom navigating toddler life and perimenopause simultaneously — I will take the physical exhaustion of using my body hard af at the gym over the mental load that is present most days. Every single time.
Evelyn has been in the midst of some sort of sleep regression. Waking up during the night crying that her blanket isn’t flat or her pillow is crooked. And of course the mental spiral starts immediately — is this OCD like mine? Then it’s dealing with the overtired, over emotional purple minion she becomes by morning. Slowly I start to evaluate everything. Is she getting too much sugar? When was the last time that girl dropped a toilet clogging load — anyone else amazed by that capability? Because I sure as shit am. Pun intended. Do I put her to bed earlier?
And then she’s quiet and I miss her. And I beat myself up over every time I lost my patience while she was out here exercising what she thinks are her rights. Did I raise my voice too loud? How do I explain to her that I’M overstimulated too? We are working through all of this daily but my goodness, some days are longer than others. I will miss the time with her when she starts school, but on the same token be grateful for the chance to miss her.
That’s exactly what this trip is going to feel like. The permission slip to step away. The chance to miss her. And come back fuller for it.
Because here’s the thing about being a stay at home mom — you love it and you lose yourself in it sometimes in equal measure. Taking care of yourself isn’t separate from taking care of everyone else. It’s the whole foundation of it.
I ran into a woman at the Y a little while back. She complimented my sneakers and I told her they were the lowest priced New Balance I could find — still over a hundred dollars. She showed me hers and said they were cheap sneakers she’d had for a while. I told her my husband called them an investment in my health. I hadn’t had new gym sneakers in almost ten years and I’m in the gym every week now. We buy our children nice things and new things all the time, why not ourselves? Her eyes lit up and she said she’d have to pitch it to her husband that way. As an “investment in her health”.
And I stood there for a second because it hit me — I have never had to “pitch” Nick anything. Not once. Not the sneakers. Not this trip. He fuels the plane and steps back and lets me fly.
Men need to learn that. 🖤
And in other news — someone took a swing this week. One of those cowardly little comments that lives in your head for days, fully formed and devastatingly accurate, just waiting for a moment that never comes. So I’ll just say this — before you take a shot at someone else’s progress, make sure your own house is in order.
Because while someone was busy minding everyone else’s business — he became mine. He bought the tickets. For Christmas. An experience just for me, no strings, no agenda, just a man who saw his wife needed something of her own and made it happen. A man who has all girls and leans so hard into that. Who is fully invested in every room he walks into, every mood he navigates, every moment he shows up for — and he always shows up. He has his breaking points like we all do. But he comes back. He stays. I am incredibly proud of his resilience and blessed every single day by his commitment to us, our children, and the entirety of this family we have made together.
He is my teammate. In every sense of the word.
A few more things before I go —
Nick has an interview this week. Fingers crossed for something that can offer the stability he has worked so hard for and deserves.
What I’m looking forward to most is time. Slowing down. Spending time with my big sister in her city. The workouts are done. The quart size bag has been tested. The suitcase is almost full.
Tell me you’re excited about a trip without telling me.
The portrait series has a second subject lined up and I am so looking forward to showing that work when it’s done. The first is coming — I promise it will be worth the wait. If you’ve been thinking about reaching out about your own story, my email is always open. Link is on the homepage. I would love to hear from you.
And to everyone who keeps coming back week after week — thank you. I see it. I feel it. I don’t take a single one of you for granted. This little corner of the internet is growing because of you and that means everything to me.
The bag is packed. The baby will be kissed. And I’m going.
Chicago, I’m coming. 🖤
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